The Fix for The Boring F*#%

SO, it’s gotten boring?  

“Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I’ll show you a woman her partner no longer wants to fuck.”  – my husband, my lover, my beloved.   He said this to me about 2 months into our dating.  

What he was saying was that after a while… you know…  Hey, Something Shiny Over There!  Bills to Pay!  Squirrel!  And you forget all about the super hot things that turned you on when you first met and the super hot things your partner(s) is great at in life and in bed.

His words impacted me greatly because, to be honest, I believed that sex never needs to get boring.  Not that I think I need to change my tassels weekly or anything encroaching on the insanely stressful but I did believe (and now KNOW) that sex is infinitely expansive – WHEN WE HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.  

Hear that, tired, over-working, bored humans?  

A healthy, growing, vibrant and sometimes edge pushing relationship begets great sex.  

“Uh-Oh…”    

Not to worry your sexy giant brain over this, dear one.  In fact, by the end of this article, you will know my secrets to mind blowing, always new and wet orgasmic sex.  It was in the middle of one of those times when I thought things were getting boring, routine, patterned, just like every other time – I learned again that my partner can give me multiple bajillion-thread-count-sheets soaking orgasms when we both have our head and heart in the game as well as our genitals.   

Because it happens to all of us.  That’s right.  I said it.  We have had those times (Okay, it was one time and it lasted two full days…) where we were like… meh… yeah…let’s have sex… or maybe just get up and start the day without sex…

But as soon as we noticed it happening, we did something about it.  

Here’s what we did:

Drum roll…. Center Stage Lights… Quiet on the set!  

We sat facing each other and connected.   

That’s it.  I talked with him first.  I asked him what he thought of our intimacy, sensuality and sex over the past 48 hours.  I shared with him that something was off.  He said he knew this, of course.

Sex felt good, sure.  I mean, he’s a sex god and I’m a sex goddess.  Of course it feels good.  But… something was different.  The same.  Routine.   I tried not to panic.  Sex is a big deal for us.  We live sexy lives.  We teach better relationships and great sex.  We love sex with each other and have for years.  We are sex EXPERTS, DAMNIT!  And yet, there we were… not desiring sex constantly.  Not wanting to give up precious work hours to have sex in the middle of the day.  “Oh, that’s okay, I need to finish this… thing.”

Now to understand the gravity of this, I need to share that when we are working in our home offices we typically engage each other intimately throughout the day and we create time and space for great sex typically at least once and usually 3 to 5 times.  So when I say we were finding other things to do and negotiating sensual boredom, it was a big deal.  

We both had previous relationships where sex was great and also suboptimal.  We learned from those years and partners.  We moved forward together knowing it was a risk of long term commitments but knowing we could fix it.  So there we were – and it seemed easier to just let it ride.  Maybe it would fix itself.  When the ship hadn’t righted itself on the morning of day 3, we decided to figure it out and maybe add some tools to our Desire Toolbox.  

Here’s what we found:

  1. It’s easy to think it’s “just a thing” and “we’ll figure it out.”  It’s easy to just let it go when you’re busy and life-ing.
  2. It was actually a little uncomfortable to talk through.  It was awkward even for sex and   relationship experts so you’re in good company if this gets weird.  Just stay in your core.  Drop the stories around this. 
  3. It wasn’t hormones or anything physical for us (though these can be real challenges for people).
  4. We were working a lot and we were tired.  A great life requires self care.  Rest is a biggie. 
  5. I was holding some anger and frustration against him for a few days without even realizing it.  The truth is, it was not a big deal.  I just had not cleared it. He had not done anything “wrong”, my feelings were just hurt.  I felt rejected.
  6. We slowed down and set a timer for 5 minutes.  No, not for SEX.  That’d be silly!  We set a timer and just sat facing each other, looking into each other’s eyes.  Breathing. Connecting.  Not talking.   

Why no talking?  Because talking often is what we all use to cover up what’s really happening.  We talk a lot.  We talk more than we listen to our bodies.  When we want to deeply connect with another person, words can distract us from our core.  

What makes sex amazing?   Great connections.  Those connections can be 20 minutes or 50 years.  It doesn’t matter.  The longer we are with someone, however, the more we need to be present to what’s happening in the entire relationship, individually and as a couple, triad or whatever configuration we have chosen.  

We need to be present to what’s real in our core selves.  It makes a huge difference.  

Try it and let us know what you find:

  1. Schedule 5 minutes with the intention to simply connect with each other.  
  2. Take the first minute or two and notice what’s happening in your own bodies as you sit facing each other.  
  3. Take 3 deep breaths together.   
  4. Really look at each other.  Really see each other.  There’s so much there.  
  5. After a few minutes, reach across the open space between you and touch.  This can be holding hands or placing your hands on each other’s legs, whatever works in the moment.  
  6. Notice if touch changes how you feel in your body.  Allow yourself to feel connection in your body.  As in sex, allow yourself to feel your partner’s touch move through your body. 
  7. Remember that you love this person.   Remember why you desire this person.  Let everything else fall away.   
  8. Schedule a time to do this again when you can connect for 5 minutes and then a great makeout session, groping each other like high school kids or sweet sex can follow.  

It’s about connection.  It’s about meeting each other and sharing what’s real and what’s possible.  

And believe me, it is ALL possible.  

Live it.

XOXOXOXOXOXO!  

Tressa

(Catch up with us on FB at our Come Together For Life closed group.  Ask to join the conversation.)

Photo Credit:  I wish I knew.

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