Why are you looking at him? Or Her? Or ANYONE?
Sometimes, I hate my partner.
I Hate him.
I want to change the locks on the doors or, even better, just put the kids in the car and drive away. Toward something…. BETTER.
Screw him and his flirtatious ways.
Screw him and his mid day phone calls with ex lovers. Well, okay, they were partnered for a number of years, but STILL.
I DO NOT NEED THIS CRAP.
Then, I remember. I am practicing being vibrantly alive.
Being jealous feels gross. It feels just gross. Disgusting. Ugly. And that, of course, is a reflection of what is happening for me when I’m triggered.
What’s the root of jealousy?
Yep, my friend. It’s feeling unfulfilled. It’s not knowing our own powerful love and worth in this life. It is being scared.
Jealousy is fear. It’s weak. It seeks to feed off of other people. Because it has to. It can’t survive in a strong, empowered and loving being.
Jealousy says that we can’t possibly manage without the COMPLETE attention and love and desire of THIS PERSON, RIGHT NOW.
It happens to me and I make it a life practice to wake up practicing gratitude and love and sensuality and unicorns, glitter and rainbows. And still, this Jealousy rises up and banshee screams in my common sense. It distorts my truth.
Jealousy jerks our heads around and pulls our tails (not in the good way…) because Jealousy is a mad and hurting part of us. It’s the part that says we are nothing. It’s the part that tells us we aren’t enough.
SPOILER ALERT: WE ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Jealousy is a silly little drama queen. It is ego unleashed and bashing around in the mind. Jealousy is decreased awareness.
Because, seriously, when we come into awareness in our bodies and practice allowing ourselves to be the powerful, amazing beings that we are… What could we possibly feel we are lacking?
What about if we could honestly say, “Yes, that woman has a terrific butt. Do you think she knows it’s hanging out of her skirt? You do? Pretty hot.” and “Oh, that guy? He has the best thighs I’ve ever seen on a bike. Nice work, super thigh guy! Now how about that ice cream we were talking about?”
We are gorgeous! Other people are gorgeous! I can appreciate the beauty of someone shiny and not (necessarily) screw their brains out. Might that cross my mind? Sure. Of course. OF COURSE. Is that threatening to my partner(s)? Nope. Not one bit. Because I’m in my integrity and seriously not looking for any drama AND I practice self awareness.
I enjoy the pleasure of the momentary “pretty” or “smart” (I REALLY like intelligence in people- super hot) and I like the pleasure of flirting. I’m also clear I’m happily partnered. Even when I’m pissed off partnered, I’m clear that I’m devoted in partnership. If I change my mind, I’ll have a conversation about it with my partner. He will do the same with me. Nobody is locking eyes with a hot stranger and running into the gas station bathroom together. Not that it hasn’t happened back in the day. Two words: Burning Man. But here we are. We have agreements, clear boundaries, truth and open discussion. If we screw this up, we are going to be pretty wrecked for a very long time. So we trust and we notice when our egos lose their shit.
How could we possibly be hurt by our own ego if we knew how truly bold and real and perfectly imperfect we are? Let’s practice together.
Here’s something to try as we move through jealousy:
It sounds nerdy and not very unique but HONESTLY, breath is powerful. Take 3 deep breaths through your entire amazing body.
Inhale love for yourself. Yes. For you. Only you.
Exhale the yuck. Let it go. It isn’t serving you. It’s trying to trick you into losing your mind. Breathe it out.
- Check in with your body. With your BODY. Don’t trust your brain on this one. Your brain is booby trapped with old stories, armor, shields and your ego wants to pull you in like a venus flytrap. Don’t take the bait.
I say this having taken the bait and losing my cool a million times. But I can do it better. So can you.
Keep coming back to this. It’s a practice. There’s not a black and white RIGHT. This is just a practice and over time you might just see that you can bring yourself back to what’s true. Life is more vibrant that way. We don’t need the drama. We need less stress. We will live longer and be more shiny and happy because we will know our worth.
Now, if your partner is a jackass and that’s just the truth, there is a whole other discussion there.
SPOILER ALERT: The only thing we can work on is OURSELVES.
We can’t hold other people’s crap for them. Well, we can. But it doesn’t work. It simply does not work. It doesn’t serve any of us. It is not ours to carry. Let him/her/them/zey hold their own stuff. Just see how it feels. It’s better. We have enough of our own stuff to wrestle to the ground over and over again.
Here is the test of whether your jealousy is an intuitive and real indicator that things are just not working right now with your partner OR if jealousy is a crazy shadow trying to run with the scissors you created:
- What is true right now? (Thank you, Byron Katie. You rock. Check her out if you don’t know about her.)
What is true?
Is this you not knowing how amazing you are or is this your partner being a jerk?
- What’s the root of this jealousy? Do you feel safe? Do you know how amazing you are? Do you feel you don’t deserve something you think you’re supposed to have? Do you know you’re beautiful?
Follow the root down to the core. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Just follow the jealousy to where the cause is hanging out. Just having awareness of this root takes away some of its power.
Are you safe in this moment? Get help if you’re not. If you are safe, standing there, breathing… take a moment to notice and understand where this is coming from before you blow. It takes courage. It’s a BOLD MOVE to breathe through and realize you’re ok and THEN respond.
- Can you Breathe? Let your brain relax. Deep breath. I am safe. Deep breath. I am amazing. Deep breath. I am powerful. Deep breath. I am desirable. Deep breath. I am so filled with love. I’ve got this. I am lovable. Breathe again. And just notice what’s happening in this amazing body right now.
Allow forgiveness of yourself when you get triggered. Allow forgiveness for the weakness of other people when they actively try to create jealousy. They’re checking in with you and themselves. Lovingly let them know there’s a better way.
Remind me of this when I freak out on my partner for flirting with the woman at the ice cream counter, the one with the glitter eyeliner and rock hard nipples mixing our brownies into our cake batter frozen dessert.
Love in. Love in. Love in. Love in. That’s how we are able to love out.
(Photo Credit: Fractal Enlightenment)