Fighting and (Still) Finding Desire

“OH MY GOD!  WHY CAN’T YOU EVER ________________ (fill in the blank)?!?!?    “WHAT’S (insert #*&@!*%*#) WRONG WITH YOU!???”


This came up for us today.   I mean, not exactly in those words but it’s not the first time and we weren’t thrilled with each other, to say the least.  


There’s a lot of stress in this life.  Most of it, we create or allow – totally true.


The thing is, we create or allow stress and then we push it on other people.  We are like monkeys flinging shit at each other.   And we can’t seem to stop.  It’s our pattern.  It’s familiar.  


Luckily, we can practice being human and growing so one day we do stop or greatly let go of our particular brand of not so cool “crazy”.   


Lab Time:  Take a breath and picture yourself as happy, free, dancing, arms in the air, joyful.   It feels good, right?  And then what happens?  We remember the laundry needs to be folded, we trip on our partner’s shoes again.  Maybe we even notice our own discomfort with being blissfully happy.  Sound true?  


When you are mad at someone, what’s your baseline feeling?  


You may think what you’re feeling is, “Screw this, you loser, you suck, you’re wrong, you’re stupid, I’m right, you’re not, you always…”, the usual pattern.  


Most of the time though, the feeling is fear;  


Fear of losing, being wrong, looking stupid, being rejected, not being good enough, fear of so much about ourselves.  But is it real?


Now here’s the part about feeling sensual and wanting to purrr and rub up against someone when you’re pissed at them:  You don’t.  At all.  


You thought there was some fairy dust for you there, didn’t you?   Well maybe there is…


We don’t want to feel vulnerable to this person and we certainly don’t want them to feel the absolute pleasure of our bodies when we’re pissed off.  We might feel disgusted by them or just plain frustrated and angry.  


So how can we come back to our core, our deep loving, sensual, sexy core self?  


How can we find our way back to each other?  


That’s a trick question.  First, we need to find our way back to OURSELVES.  


Let’s face it, when we get angry, we don’t really lose our minds.  We lose our connection with our own heart.  We lose our connection with what’s happening in our body and we lose our connection with each other because of this.


Our brains can really get the best of us.  We get triggered by something that brings up a feeling, a ghost of a memory, and we get into fight or flight mode because our brains and ego want us to chase it.  


It’s the reason the same fights happen over and over again.  


What’s the fix?  


Our bodies are much better at telling the truth.


Try this:  

  1. Think of something loving and sweet someone has done for you.  
  2.  Move that feeling from your brain and down into your heart.  
  3.  Does it change the way you feel?   Do you feel the sweetness more?


Here’s another one:  

  1. Right now, think of a time you were REALLY mad at someone you love.  I mean REALLY mad.   
  2. Now, move that feeling from your brain.  Move it down into your body.   Does it change?  Where do you feel it?  
  3. Now, move that feeling into your heart.  Breathe into it.  Let it open up.
  4. What do you feel now?  


I know, I know.  This sounds like complete hippie crap but trust me and just try this.  


When you move the feeling of anger, frustration, disgust, rage or whatever your memory brings – move it into your heart and breathe, what happens?  


What happens if you stay centered in your brain?  


My partner-husband-lover and I have made a promise to ourselves and each other to:

  • Continue to out grow the things that are harmful to ourselves.  
  • And always turn toward each other.  
    • It’s so easy to get mad and turn away.  It takes letting go of the stories and being real to stay, turn toward each other, breathe and love*.  


(*Unless there’s abuse.  If there’s abuse, get help right now.)


Now for the purring and rubbing up against each other in a good way.  


If we can practice being in our bodies and not letting our brains run away with the truth, we can stay present with each other.  


We don’t need to leave for three days and go stay with our mom or burn his stuff on the front lawn.  We don’t need to scream mean things at each other just to feel in control (when we aren’t at all) and we don’t need to waste time being fearful and trying to pretend it’s anger.  


We can talk, maybe in raised voices, but we can talk.  We can listen.  We can meet each other even when we are mad.  


We can ask for clarification.


We can learn about ourselves and each other.  


We can agree to disagree and still be madly in love.  Or crazy hot for each other.  Or both.  


So let’s ask ourselves, “Is it real?”, “Is this happening now or am I bringing up old stuff?”  and if this is a fight that’s on repeat, ask “why does this keep coming up?”  and look at the why instead of the behavior.  


Take some deep breaths together.  We don’t really want to hurt ourselves or each other.  We just want to be seen.  More deep breaths.  


About this time, we usually decide to get naked and hold each other.  Which always turns into making out.  Which always turns into a much better way to share our time.  


How about you?  Do you fight fair?  What works for you?  

Life is vibrant and strange, sensual and wild.  Open your wings.  Breathe it in.  


Live it.  





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